A ghost story
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i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off