Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

husband: *worrying*

me: I don’t think you should worry about that

husband: well what should I worry about instead then

mugger: gimme your wallet

me: me or her?

mugger: I don’t care

me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner

ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre

[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

Biden: Trump’s sons were nice

Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day

B: Uday and Qusay?

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..

Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]

My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me

My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”