Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

Friend: Please excuse her, she forgot to take her meds today.
Me, on the ceiling: Oh, like they can tell.

[at Goodwill store]

*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake

Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.

Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids:

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.

Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.

I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.

Cauliflower has a good publicist.

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks

catch me on valentine’s day like