I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
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HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Peace was never an option
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care