A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
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[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
family: we’re having ground turkey this year
me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.