Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…

What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.

{about to have sex}

Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse

Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*

One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.

[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

new shirt idea

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen

Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*