Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interior design 👌

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?

friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.

me: ooh how often do you water that.

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?

Me: just a little boo boo.

Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?

Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.

Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

That de-escalated quickly

Going into Monday like

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?

Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.

boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.