Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

I told my therapist that I’ve given CPR to 3 different people in 3 separate incidents at a particular grocery store and she advised me to stop going there.
That’s good shit right there

Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.

Her: I made us cheeseburgers.

Me: uh oh.

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM

me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.

Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.

The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.

“We know, dear.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.

Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department

I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back