A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
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Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Well, this explains it:
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.