A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
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[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
My love language is deader than Latin
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Am I having a stroke?
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE