A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
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So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.