A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
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Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
When you’re here for the treats.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.