Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

this is the most cat thing ive ever seen

[GOP Debate]

MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?

CRUZ: what?

MODERATOR: I knew it!

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.

Leftover Pie:

it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?

[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]

Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.

9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

Therapist: So why are you guys here?

Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.

Him: This is our first date?

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.

Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s