[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
You Might Also Like
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
I don’t cry when I cut onions because I have this little thing called composure.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???
“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”
“A hiss-drawn carriage”
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.