@Tommytoughstuff

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

You Might Also Like

@thesulk

“Which would you like, a piano or a motorcycle?” “Yes.” (Yamaha)

@prufrockluvsong

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

@Amusitr0n

If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”

@NotthatAdamWest

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

@gorrdano

I’m always ready with my mallet when sewer workers poke their head up from under a manhole.

@mrjohndarby

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

@Browtweaten

Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

@FilthyRichmond

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!