[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

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“Which would you like, a piano or a motorcycle?” “Yes.” (Yamaha)


If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good


If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”


Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.


I’m always ready with my mallet when sewer workers poke their head up from under a manhole.


accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening


Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr


People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!