“Which would you like, a piano or a motorcycle?” “Yes.” (Yamaha)
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
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If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
If ur Twitter feed is toxic af here you have a refresh
[the middle of showering] I need a break
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I’m always ready with my mallet when sewer workers poke their head up from under a manhole.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!