[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
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ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.