[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
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I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to