a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
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After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
i love meeting boys on tinder
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Arrest that man!
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”