a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
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2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS