a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
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There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
based al yankovic
Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*