A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
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I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.