A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
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You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?