Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
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Her: I froze my eggs.
Me: ??? ??? ??????
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
I’m just a speedboat and a machine gun away from becoming a pirate.
A person dies every 3 seconds. How can a person die that many times?
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Her:How long before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”
Dr.:No one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.
I like to wear fur coats, but fur is murder, so I just tied 15 live badgers together and this coat is really scratchy and bitey.
[on a date with a teacher]
Me: your eyes are beautiful
Her: yours too
Me:*leans in, whispers* can i kiss you
Her: i don’t know CAN YOU