A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
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doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I support this random dude and all his protests
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.