A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married

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Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.


That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”


I’m just a speedboat and a machine gun away from becoming a pirate.


A person dies every 3 seconds. How can a person die that many times?


Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.


Her:How long before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”

Dr.:No one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.


I like to wear fur coats, but fur is murder, so I just tied 15 live badgers together and this coat is really scratchy and bitey.


[on a date with a teacher]

Me: your eyes are beautiful

Her: yours too

Me:*leans in, whispers* can i kiss you

Her: i don’t know CAN YOU