Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

(Watching him change a flat tire)

Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it

Me: We sure will

(Hands him the bottle)

Him: The CAR jack

Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage

[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*

DE-FENSE

*Jury starts The Wave*

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*

No.

How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.