Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”

[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”

[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?

Me: Great!

11: Want to hear it again?

Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”

I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

Thank you 🥹

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.