A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
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My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???