A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
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A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Smallpox sounds so adorable
it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms