Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors

So that’s what we looked like?

Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous

Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies

INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?

ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!

Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?

Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )

Him: Shall we have sex?

Her: I want to wait til we’re married

Him: Ugh fine

Priest: Shall I continue?

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.

DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]

Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD

how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.

I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.

4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors