A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
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Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
Birds & Planes.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.