Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer:

We’ve all been there…

No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.

Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’

Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.

This is my emotional support yacht 🎀

Milk Cube

When people ask “Are you high right now?”

It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.

I’ve already accomplished* so much today

*been afraid of a goose

Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

*My wife being frustrated by my kids*

Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?

8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?

I can’t stop laughing at this

*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*