A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
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[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
2024 me decided not to take today as a holiday.
2025 me is pissed off about it.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.