Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao

Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?

[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone

Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.

The Assassin.

Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.

If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

*Me making playground small talk with other parents*

“Congrats on the sex bro”

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

Vulcans are space-elves.

Look at the ears.

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”