A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
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Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
are they though??
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt