me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
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Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
based al yankovic
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.