Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.

Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket

[tsunami approaches]

Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.

Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.

Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?

Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.

My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

This classic never gets old . . .

Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people

Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.

I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.

Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.

Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.

For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.

Negotiating with a 3 year old:

Me: pick out two books to read.

3yo: no five books!

Me: fine three books.

3yo: no five books!

Me: no one book!

3yo: no TWO books!

Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.

“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”

-How I Met Your Stepmother

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?

Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–

6: –Oh, were you there?!

Me:

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

When my wife says “Guess what today is.”