a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
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[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!