a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
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Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
There are no pants in heaven.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.