A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
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I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.