A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
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INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.