Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.

That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.

oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant

Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”

Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.