Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind

I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”

i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory

Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA

Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?

Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.

Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

[tattoo parlor]

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”

“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“

“Wisks!”

“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”

4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.

Guy about to invent balloons:

I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!

Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?