A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
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Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
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I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.