Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

*sends nudes*

Him: omg you showered!

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?

M: Can I wear my tiara?

H: I’d rather you not

M: Then no thanks

[husband leaves]

M: *whispers* works every time

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

Take care of yourself, ladies

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.

My dinosaur expert child just schooled me

Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?

5yo: They have different names

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.

Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up

ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up

The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.