Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

having children is a pyramid scheme.

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

I bet the first person that had a flush toilet in their house were mocked by someone saying something like “Ooh, Mr fancy pants is too good to shit in a bucket and throw it out the window. Ooh”

ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog

midwife: no, you won’t

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*

Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?

Date: no I meant

Me: but the left lung only has two!

Date: not like th— wait, really?

I can’t 🤣🤣🤣

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.