A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
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I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me