Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

*on phone*

He: so where is this going, babe?

Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!

ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets

When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…

My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.

[1 MINUTE LATER]

My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…

Pilgrim: What the hell is that?

Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.

– The first green bean casserole.

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.

Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.

Me: I didn’t say he was interested

Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?

me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

⚠️ Important Reminder:

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me