A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
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What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
😂😂😂😂😂😂
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears