Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wakes up screaming*

Wife: What happened??

Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.

Wife: Silly that’s impossible.

Me: The flying leopard part?

Wife: No, the part about you jogging.

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous

Date: describe yourself to me in three words

Me:

[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything

Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter

Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…

Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook

Me: Aww too bad

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀

[7:00:01am] wait no

[7:00:02am] hold o—

[7:00:03am] stop

Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!