@causticbob

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

- @causticbob

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When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

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My plan to disappoint everyone I’ve ever known is exceeding my expectations.

@SteveKoehler22

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

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@amazymay72x

LIES! STOP THE LIES!

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@ItsAndyRyan

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

@nyquills

Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.

@Schmoodles

Someone at work asked if I’d listened to any good books lately, and now I’ve got a body to dispose of. 🙁

@MaraWritesStuff

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…