A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
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[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning