Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.

This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

me: I need to see the doctor

receptionist: ok, name?

me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair

Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.

Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

waiter: “anything to drink?”

4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”

So, yeah, they’re always listening.

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second

I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*

“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.