A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
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Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
it is time once again
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.