Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

Attacked by a mop.

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?