Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

making my dog give me my pills

ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime

DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?

ME: this chair isn’t regulation height

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

911?

~He’s eating Top Ramen!

911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water

~NO! He’s eating it like soup!

911: That’s fucked up

~I KNOW RIGHT

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

Best goalkeeper.. 😅

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’

How self-absorbed are you?

I come from a time of excessive Durans.

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk

[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet