A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
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Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
no cat here
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
A comic by Dan Piraro
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Google assistant rules
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food