A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
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handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Planet of the Apps.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
We decided to have money instead of children.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”