Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient

Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years

Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

[Commercial for ulcer medication]

“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”

Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?

My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.

Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.

Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.

I’m going to need an ambulance.

“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever

Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.

*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit