ME: is there a doctor on this flight??
GUY: i’m a doctor
ME: thank god! can you talk to my son? he wants to study philosophy
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
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2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
“No sex tonight, I just put on clean sheets.”
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I’ve decided to shave off my eyebrows and draw them in. It’s pretty cool, except when I have to redraw them to show somebody I’m angry.