@OBiiieeee

a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again

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@TheHyyyype

ME: is there a doctor on this flight??

GUY: i’m a doctor

ME: thank god! can you talk to my son? he wants to study philosophy

@River_Niles

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY

@Pandamoanimum

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

@DadandBuried

Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.

Other times they’re awake.

@QwertyJones3

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

@david8hughes

[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine

@EliTerry

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

@Jeeepsta

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

@iAmDelFreaky

I’ve decided to shave off my eyebrows and draw them in. It’s pretty cool, except when I have to redraw them to show somebody I’m angry.