a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
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“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I feel attacked.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”