a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
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The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I beg your pardon?
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Um … Hot Wings please
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”