A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
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This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling