A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
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Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat