A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
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There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Schrödinger’s cookie
