Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.

My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.

Land animals by legs:

0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

[having a little snack before bed]

Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?

Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.

Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]

What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?

I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.

Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.

Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.

This did not end as expected.

[God making bears]

God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging

Angel: Aww

God: Hugs that will kill people

Angel: Wtf?!