A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
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Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Drive like no one is watching.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Perfect
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.