Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.

Downside: the pandemic rages on.

Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

My good tweets are in my other pants.

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.

Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.

3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”

– Midnight, a church friend

My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic

Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.