A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
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The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Scream sneezers need love too.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
The 6 types of sex
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
(2022)
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this