A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
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[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.