@Kris_Florio

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

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@PortRooster

Pitbull: Hey, what rhymes with “Kodak”?

Nicki Minaj: “Kodak”, duh…

Pitbull: Thanks!

@JohnLyonTweets

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

@threetimedaddy

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.

@animesvns

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

@monicaheisey

just accidentally clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like some kind of child emperor

@pharmasean

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

@NicestHippo

Please. Danger is my middle name.
“What’s your first name?”
Avoids

@LionJenkins

Me: *Wrong Turn
Siri: Recalculating Route
Me: *Wrong Turn
Siri: Recalculating Route
Me: *Wrong Turn
Siri: You’re on your own, Idiot.