A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
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Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings