A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
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ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I’m giving up for Lent.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.