Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family

My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*

Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!

My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*

I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.

I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

debt collector: your bill is outstanding

duck: thank you

The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.

If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.

Eg:

Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force

“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”