Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it

(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”

Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

My relationship with tea has always been strained.

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.

Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.

m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight

That 👊