A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
You Might Also Like
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
This dude got his own movie?
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.