a god among men
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I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.