A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
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PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Damn what did I do next
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.