A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
You Might Also Like
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
This squirrel eats better than I do
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
My age is news to me every single time I remember
Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
You don’t see great advertising like this anymore
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me