A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
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Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
🤭😂
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”