A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
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Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Why font matters.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.