a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
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I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.