a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
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Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination