a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
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Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now