Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW

HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?

Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-

Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

Bear knowledge

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

what the hell is this stain?

– a memoir

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers

Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”

Cyclops: Wow

My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.

money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?

FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!

ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”