Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.

Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that

Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?

Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*

Me: Nice work with picking a random password.

Wife: It’s our anniversary.

“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”

— how the worm got its name

rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places

It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address

This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler