Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc

Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!

Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

[Being followed on my morning run]

Me: Leave me alone!

Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe

Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…

“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”

Cannot stop laughing at this

Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS

Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are