A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
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The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?