A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
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Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview
THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
