A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
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where there’s a whale there’s a whale
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
