A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
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Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Bread puns are on the rise!
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
I didn’t come here to be called names
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see